OKCupid Profile (early O2O11)
Well let's see here... My eyes are a hypnotic blue-green and I have long golden curls which glow by sunlight and twinkle under starlight. I have been told that the curves of my body and texture of my skin are softer and smoother than butter. However I also exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet to retain a well-chiseled, strong physique. When excited, my voice rings like a choir of 1,OOO angels; when calm, it soothes as the Sirens of lore. I was born into a prosperous family of royal descent. I enjoy horseback riding through the forest on my family's main estate and singing to the animals in the meadow. On more melancholy days, I stroll along the beach skipping stones. I love sunsets and standing nude in front of them as a dramatic silhouette.
Every winter, I make a large batch of hot cocoa which I distribute amongst orphanages and homeless shelters. To animal shelters, I donate a mélange of T-bone steaks, assorted nuts, and jugs of milk. For me, there is no greater joy than the joy of giving.
A wager once led me to attempt sailing solo around the world. Several thousand nautical miles into the voyage, I found myself swept away in a storm and awoke, stranded, upon an iceberg. There, I survived by learning to communicate with seals—and the occasional penguin—who would eventually allow me to sleep nestled amongst them and share their catch during mealtime. After three weeks, I had managed to salvage enough of my canoe to bodyboard my way to land. I was found, naked and half frozen to death, on a beach in Norway. Although I had lost most of my memory and ability to articulate, the villagers took me in. Life in the village was peaceful, and I became a simple cobbler's apprentice. However, as my memories crept back upon me, I became torn and confused.
Then the nightmares began. At first I merely relived fragmented memories of the storm. But eventually this torment began to permeate my cobbling work. When customers returned to retrieve their repaired shoes, they would find that they no longer fit. Secretly, I began creating shoes of grotesque form; unfit for the feet of any creature known to us. The villagers began to fear me as rumors were spread that I was stealing shoes from the local graveyard to create unwearable monstrosities. They nicknamed me “Demonisk Skomaker”, the 'Demon Shoemaker'. My adoptive father tried to reason with them; even offering free shoe repairs to placate their growing fear and hatred. But in the end, I was forced to hide in an abandoned hut on the forbidden edge of town, “Av Forbannet Flatevidd”.
Fortunately, a photo of me as I was found on that fateful beach eventually made its way to my family. The tattoo of our ancestral crest on my left butt cheek was all they needed to see. They found me perched on the branch of a large Spruce tree next to the abandoned house muttering something about “pterodactyls”. Upon returning home, my old friends and family told me that I had become a different person. My shattered new identity turned out to be more than they could handle, and I was put into an asylum. We have internet.
The first things people usually notice about me
I usually have a crow perched on my head which caws every time people try to speak to me. Those close to me say that they are always on edge around me, afraid to even yawn. But that is merely an unfortunate trade-off for the peace of mind this crow has brought me; never again will solicitors finish their pitch to me!