all thoughts are prey to some beast

the web used to be a place where people went to surf.

mystical waves of pixels glistening on the horizon.

 

the promise of adventure.

 

now it's a maelstrom full of debris and corpses.

an engulfing vortex.

 

now people come here to drown

themselves and each other.

~ @umhi (2019-10-27 19:06:02)

bath tubs as time machines

when i was a kid and got really sick, i’d sit in the bathtub and wave & talk to my future self. i’d imagine a foggy adult version of myself in the future tub and think “hey, what’s the future like? i know you’re looking back on me and thinking how awful it was to be sick, but how now you’re healthy!”. then i’d feel a wave of comforting reassurance.

years later, i’d find myself in a tub feeling healthy and i’d wave back at my younger self in the past tub and think “don’t worry, i promise you’ll feel better soon. as for the future… well, i don’t want to spoil anything for you but i’m feeling good right now”. nowadays, when i’m feeling depressed, i sit in the tub and ask my younger self to make some good memories for me in exchange.

it’s a good deal, i’d say

You see...

...I have this....

I feel...

...this...

...great...

...pressure...

...coming down on me.

It's crushing me.

Date: 11/6/09, 1:30 AM
Subject: Re: dead and dying

everyone should just leave me everyone should leave me just leave me alone everyone

I am currently reading “The Dark Is Rising” series. “The Dark Is Rising” is also the title of the second book which I will be finishing shortly. The phrase, along with other elements within the story have found general relevance to my current state. I am not sure.. I am.. unsure.. I am... not there.. here..

“It will break in the cold, my lord, in the Dark and the cold....” Will shivered. It was growing cold indeed in the hall, very cold. The air was like a current of chill water, coming at them from all sides. The fire in the great hearth gave out no warmth now, no warmth that was not sucked in by the cold blue flames of the Dark all around. The nine flames quivered again, and as he looked at them, he could have sworn that they were not flames by gigantic icicles, blue-white as before but solid, menacing, great pillars ready to topple inward and crush them all with weight and cold. “...cold....” said the Black Rider softly from the shadows, “...cold....”

Perhaps “lukewarm” would be more fitting / more accurate. I am doing what I can under present circumstances. I do not wish for you to worry. Neither of me.

8.27.08

i have learned to come to terms with the loneliness and heartbreak which i am thoroughly convinced are going to be active with me all of my life. i can't escape them, only accept them. but i can also outbalance them with the endless amount of positive aspects of life.

Sean Palmer
6/2/O6
Volta

I’ve developed on the outside. In a very true sense, I’ve been hibernating while all others frollick in the woods. Upon returning, I’ve found the same people as before, but with different masks on. With these masks, they feel free to play new parts which their close peers have assigned them. And perhaps this is for the better in some cases, for the worst in others. As for me, I will never be able to stay grounded in the old world again without the aid of a mental shift. At default, I simply float away towards newer worlds and older ones which I can’t help but be intrigued by. But the sadness is there for now. My best friend was swept out into the lake, and we may never walk the same trail again. Perhaps I should have tried harder to keep him from falling in, and from time to time, I regret leaving him under the guidance of another, but he and I have become what we are and I, for one, find complete satisfaction in this monster.

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MOSDEFinitlySEAN (5:35:23 PM): theres like sumthin wrong wit me MOSDEFinitlySEAN (5:35:27 PM): i dont fit in newhere MOSDEFinitlySEAN (5:46:40 PM): it jus seems like evry1 else is alwayz havin so much fun and bein all happy n stuff and then im there and im jus expressionless..